Tena's line edit

Tena:

A curling cardboard sign in the window greets the hungry, “Yes, We’re Open.” We’re the kind of place that uses plates that don’t match and folded paper towels as napkins. Sometimes the customers are a pain, but I’m a favorite of the boss, Sam Zimmerman. Besides Sam’s great cooking—comfort food with a kick—we’re known for his homemade pies, the best you ever ate and that’s not bragging. He can make anything from the world’s best Dutch apple crumb to light-as-air lemon meringue. Anyone who knows the territory orders a slice or buys an entire pie to go. Right as you come in, they’re in the cooler by the register where Nadine, the weekday waitress, hands customers their change, mint-flavored toothpicks, and complimentary B.S.

There was another paragraph, but this is long enough. I'm going to just do a few lines, or I'll never get through it all. :)

This sounds like advertising copy. Sorry, but I got the sense that this was a brochure for the cafe. I'm not getting much sense of the narrator here? That might be exactly what you want-- I don't know. I can't figure this out, actually. Is the book about the cafe? (I just saw Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore on tv, and that's actually sort of about the cafe, so it's not impossible that this is about the cafe too?)

The voice and the detail are charming, but it's also skimmable. Why? Because there doesn't seem to be a lot of reason to read it-- yeah, nice place, informal, friendly. So is something happening? And who is telling me this? The aimlessness is even more of a problem if this is the opening of the story. I remember hearing Kate Duffy do cold reads of openings once, and you don't want to hear what she'd say here. The writing is nice, and the voice is good, but you have to give us reason to read on. And that's character and conflict. Gimme some of that.
A curling cardboard sign in the window greets the hungry, “Yes, We’re Open.” We’re the kind of place that uses plates that don’t match and folded paper towels as napkins.
The second line is a lot more fun than the first. I'd suggest that you maintain a consistent approach here. Either you're the reporter reporting what you see (the sign), or you're the insider who tells what he knows from experience. Trying to do both is going to muddy your voice. The reader won't miss what the insider doesn't notice (or you can sneak it in-- "Yeah, there's a sign that says We're open. It's always there, even at 2 am, when the whole town is dark. Come back in the daylight, and the sign will still be there, but the door will be unlocked, and if it isn't, just bang on it awhile. Sam's pretty hard of hearing." That is, if you want to bring in the sign, bring it in the way this customer would do.

Sometimes the customers are a pain, but I’m a favorite of the boss, Sam Zimmerman.
This makes it sound like the narrator is a customer -- a customer who is a favorite, not a pain. I see by the next sentence ("we") that this isn't so-- the narrator is an employee? Can you fix that so the reader doesn't get confused? And the viewpoint of a staffmember is different than that of a customer, so you might read over and make sure that only an employee could write the other sentences.
Besides Sam’s great cooking—comfort food with a kick—we’re known for his homemade pies, the best you ever ate and that’s not bragging. He can make anything from the world’s best Dutch apple crumb to light-as-air lemon meringue.
Well, since this is an employee, the over-the-top flattery is coming across as brown-nosing. What's really going on here? Is she sleeping with Sam? I want to hear how hunky he is. :)

Anyone who knows the territory orders a slice or buys an entire pie to go. Right as you come in, they’re in the cooler by the register where Nadine, the weekday waitress, hands customers their change, mint-flavored toothpicks, and complimentary B.S.
I don't know. This just feels so ... brochure-like. It's a much better-written brochure than most restaurant brochures, but it still feels like advertising. And there's not the slightest suggestion of conflict. Who is this person, and what does she want, and what's keeping her from getting it? Maybe that starts in the next paragraph-- can you hint at it so that it draws the reader forward?

A